Gallows Brooding

I know, we’re supposed to be happy optimistic and always positive. I get it. But that’s not real life, that’s the front we put up so others will deem us successful enough to bother doing business with.

So, pulling back the facade curtain, here is some “gallows brooding”….

My mother recently sent me $46, a total windfall and the equivalent of working a U19 club or High School JV match, or a contest submission fee.

I could:

• pay down the only credit card I have (it’s nearly maxed out from a brief 4-day “vacation” I took a year ago and a year’s worth of work-related gear and training expenses) by $46
• pay one of the four copays I owe to specialists
• pay towards the payment on the BIPAP machine that doesn’t work (and will be swapped out; let’s bright-side it)
• give it to my teenage daughter via her paypal card
• give it to my mate in cash (she has the primary income and never gets to spend any of it—I don’t either, I just shuffled the little piles off to the owning class and their institutions in exchange for their overpriced, inferior goods and services)
• leave it someplace, like paypal as “savings” (how laughable is THAT?!)

I was thinking of rolling a die and assign a number to each of the six options, whichever comes up wins.  It’s “party”-esque, right?

On a related laughable moment:

I handed my eldest the $5 from the cash I set aside for a haircut. I felt disappointed I wasn’t going to get a haircut AND simultaneously ashamed that I would even think that since the five bits are feeding my eldest kid lunch, a vital necessity. THEN I felt happy and proud that I could give her five bucks to eat lunch! THEN I felt like I’m the worst father out of all the other dad’s within that quarter mile of the high school because they’re paying for their kids college and I’m having angst over five bucks for lunch.  *double facepalm*

I wonder how much scotch I can get for $46….?